Magic Chef

Im tired, and headache-y. Yes. Thats a word.

Im stuck on this computer waiting for some AMAZING story line to get to me. My Creative Writing class is getting to me. I have NOTHING. I need something. I used to be so good at romances. Realistic Fiction. All that jazz...

This sample is actually way better than what Ive been doing. Its all thanks to degrassi. :) Its my own little fan-fiction of Claire and Eli. Just imagine. The gothic, smug, looks that could kill (literally ha, degrassi joke) Eli, and innocent Claire, that yearns to unleash her full potential, in brains and body ;) You go Claire!

She gripped the shirt on his back, and embraced him as he let his lips move up and down her neck. She shivered as his hands went under her blue blouse, warm and fleshy. Everything felt heated around her: her arms, her neck, her face. His breath caught hers, as they looked into each others eyes, full of lust, and undeniable love.

"Is this my reward?" she says.

"This is only a taste." He looks at her down and up, then putting his hands on her cheeks, pulling her closer, breaking their gaze and closing the gap between their lips. It was all exctacy to Claire, as he pulled his fingers into her curls. His jet black hair in contrast with Claires left the clashing colors brilliant in the sun.

Behavior vs Brain

I have a good friend named Emerson. Hes moving away for college in Colorado. Boy will I miss him, but I gotta say, some memories are best left alone.

Now is the only time I will spill the beans about our akward relationship...

He was a dork. This was my slutty time in life, where I pretty much wanted 'it' ALL the time. I would even do it with my friend the dork.
I was the reason he started smoking pot. It was his senior year, and from there, we got close. As friends.
Then he got to know my life. What I do. And he was a lot more interested. He started talking to me dirty over text. I'll admit I was totally turned on, but I knew that he never had the guts to say those kinds of things to my face. Let alone sober. It was his sobreity that left him so self-conscious and timid. It was because of that part of him that we never actually got to the dirty deed.

The day I invited him over, was the day our relationship with each other was never the same. He sat outside in his car, scared that someone would come home, and catch us. I told him there was no problem, but he was too lilly-livered. He drove away and came back. Still sitting in his car. He never got out, and there I was, waiting for sex. That was it, I wasnt in the mood. PAU.

He drove away, and I was ALL NUTTS. I called my good friend bitchin about him, and next time I saw him, HO MAN. Apologies, ALL DAY. Him tellin me he was so stupid, and he shoulda manned up, and how he wishes he could have a do over. He wants another chance, and I dont give it to him....

Ill miss that poor dork. But honestly, I'm kind of glad that, that memory is done and over with, never to be seen again....

Free Desert!

I feel really... tense. On the inside. My chest, pretty much.

My sister and I are waiting for my dad to pick us up for practice. Its the waiting that gets to me.
Look, you dont know my dad. And even though hes my dad, Im suppose to love him unconditionally in this family. But HELLO, im a normal teenager with angst. I drag my butt to the monument of ignorance called school EVERY year. I meet new people, new friends, new boys. You cant NOT think my hormones would lead me astray.

My father is no ordinary over protective dad. I have never had a sleepover. No boyfriend (officially), I've never been to the mall with friends.... No stuff normal teenagers get to do.
I want to DANCE! I want to run! I want to go to the beach with people I like!
I feel so caged in, its not funny.

I wish I took the road less traveled. Life is full of choices... I made the wrong one.
I ruined my own life, and because of that, Im making my way back into the heart of my father. I lost his trust doing the things I do and its so hard trying to get it back. Its like he doesnt love me as much as he used to. Even though I know thats not true, I know that its because he cant stand to think about the things Ive done.

Im sorry if my writing seems jumbled. I cant think. Im distracted, and usually writing helps me think... Just not today. I dont know if you can tell, but im sorta, kinda... depressed. Not really. I just feel down. And I still have that tense feeling in my chest, creeping up my throat. I should stop writing before I sound like an idiot. Shit, it might be too late...

Summer Work!!!

I cant handle this.

I cant handle being out, where I see his truck everywhere. I hate having to hold it in.
I hate having to deal with my past. Why cant my past just stay there. Its brought up almost every day in my dads emotions. In the comments he makes to me, no matter how hurt I am. He apologizes, but its still there, haunting me. This is true guilt. True remorse.

Now, I need to think.

I am torturing my family. This is something my dad will never forget about. This isnt something he can just lay off. Then when he gets belligerent after a drinking binge, I cant blame him for anything, or correct him about the way he acts because he would just get me back with something I did in the past that made me act irresponsibly. Then it just gets to be too much.

Im trying, and im not playing any games! He thinks I am.

This is an issue with me and him. I am realistic, and he is trying to control me! He cant.


You cant do this to me. Please dont do this to me. You cant make me choose, but it just seems like you want me to leave. Thats all you talk about, like you want me to leave so bad. So im out of your hair. Believe me. Yes I want out too, but this is too important for me. This is important for ev eryone, and nobody wants this family to fall apart. This is between me and you. Yes I am the source of it all, and you cant say that your not blaming me, because you are. And I am too. We went through it all, and how I am going to change, and try my best... But you need to let go. Please, please, please... let go. Because I will be trapped here forever. Sometimes I just think there is no where for me to go. You give me a choice, but is it really a choice? Between you, and her? Here or there? Between being responsible, and loving, and trying to make it work, or a selfish, ungrateful, little bitch who doesnt give a rats ass about her family?
That is NOT who I want to be! Thats not who I am. I understand that I havent made the best decisions and Im not the most responsible. I hope that one day you can forgive me.

What I also realize is that... We are two different people. We dont think the same. We dont have the same ideas about alot of things, and we dont reason the same way. Were different.

Thats all I have for now because one other thing is, we are scared. We all are.

I wish you understood.

Rhino Chasers

My heart got twisted today.

I did have a thing goin on with someone after Wonderbread, but before Richard. Im actually gonna use this guys name though. Kealoha. And hes pretty much the most recent heartbreak I have. Let me paint you a picture.

"Hey, gimmie your number..." he says as he pulls out his phone.
Kealoha has a paddlers body. Tall, slender, broad shoulders, and an amazing smile. Being out in the sun made him darker than I was, but I liked how his skin looked like chocolate.
"...Let me put it in your phone," I say. I have NO intention of putting my number in it. Instead, as he waits, I call my own phone so I have his number, then delete it from his dialed list.
"Here you go," I smile at him. He winks, and starts walking back to his paddling crew. I laugh as I jump into my own car, and drive away.

A few days later, back at practice, he confronts me again and says he doesnt have it. I tell him I know, and go to my own practice. I turn halfway to my canoe, and tell him I'll call him later. Soon enough thats what I do. From then we start talking for the rest of the season.... It was pretty amazing, him and me. We hit it off from the beginning; our chemistry was amazing. One day at practice, my dad was yelling at me over the phone because we were late to practice, and I hadnt called him like I was suppose to. I started to cry, and Kealoha saw me. My crew had already left, and we had to wave them down later, but for now I had to wait til I didnt look like I was crying. Kealoha was there to comfort me... He told me to calm down, and it wasnt the end of the world. I had this pathetic look on my face, I guess, because he kept telling me to smile. We went inside the halau so I could wipe my face up, and when I turned around he was right there in front of my face. He stood there looking at me, at my eyes, at my lips, at everything. Thats where we had our first kiss. He smelled so good...

Later on before states, we had sex. It wasnt the ideal place, or the time. It was just quick, dirty, sex. I should have been ashamed, but I wasnt. Not when his friends started shouting from outside. Not when the hobo was mocking us and laughing. Not even when we passed his whole crew, guys and girls, who knew what we were up to because of his friends. I guess I was dumb and blind. But thats how much I wanted it. Thats how much I wanted him.

Soon I started to sneak out to see him when he got a truck. Green, with a black hood. It was late at night, and he would drop me off before my parents woke up. We would do it by the beach, in the rain, in the back, and I would be all cool with it. It was messed up and I realize it now but... I have to admit, while Im being honest, it was good. Maybe even great.

But not worth it when my parents found out. After that I didnt want to see him anymore because I was so ashamed. I liked him so much, but I couldnt face him about what had happened. My dad got a video of me from the last night Kealoha and I were together. I had no idea where it came from, but it got to him...

Then Kealoha showed up to my school, after me not contacting him for weeks. He just pulled up next to me as I was walking down the road running through our school. I knew it was his truck when he past me because I could smell him. He started to reverse, and my stomach twisted into knots...

Im sorry.

"Get in." He said, looking at me smiling.
"I cant." I cant look at him in the eye. I look all around him. I look all around me. If anyone was watching this. It was unbelieveable.
"I need to talk to you." I say.
"Sure lets go talk somewhere," he says, "Just get in the truck."
No. I cant do this with him. I walk up to his window, putting my hands on the door.
"I need to be somewhere," I say... "I know I already told you that my parents know, but I didnt tell you why..."
"So? Howd they find out?" he asks.
"A video. Someone saw us, filmed... and sent it to my dad."
Then it hit me. He didnt say nothing. Just, "wow." And then nothing. He stared past his wheel, and didnt look at me.
It was him. He did it. I mean it couldnt have been him, but he had help.
What the fuck?!
"I dont know who did it..." I say, becoming enraged, "But only you and I knew that we were there. And it damn sure wasnt me."
He looks at me, "You think I did it?"
I stare back, "I dont know anything... Im just telling you what I do know."
He looks away and doesnt say anything. Its breaking my heart.
Please. Please, fight for what you want me to believe. If you didnt do it then tell me. If you didnt do it, argue your point, and try to make me believe!
But he didnt. He sat there.
"Dont... come back here again. I dont want to see you ever. I cant, and I wont. Please just go. I-... need to be somewhere..."
He looks back at me, like hes waiting for something else.
I dont want to say goodbye. What I want to do is kiss him... His face is so close....
Instead, I step away from his truck, and look down the road.
I want him to leave.... And so he goes. He starts slowly, still looking at me. When he puts his eyes on the road, he leaves just like I wanted him to, and drives as fast as he can... My stomach starts to turn, and my nose is burning. My eyes are fogging up, and as I continue walking down the road, watching his truck disappear, I can feel the tears running down my face, turning cold as the wind hits me. It felt like my chest caved in, and my heart stopped beating. I was cold, and I was hurt.

SO NOW...

Today me and my dad went to Lanikai beach, where Kealoha would take me to have sex, and as I jump out to sit in the back with him and his coworker, I see a familiar face. Of course its him. I didnt know it at first, it just looked like him from far away. But he was with a girl. Tossing around with her in the water. Hugging her, kissing her. Just playing around. But thats all it took. It brought me back to... Us. Him and me. Then I saw it. His truck was parked right in front of ours. I couldnt believe how blind I was. Who could miss it?
After watching them I wondered.... Do they have sex in that truck too? Does she know hes had another girl in that truck? Did he see me? Did he tell her about me? What did he say?
I was sick. After that, I just... Kealoha has been stuck in my head since... I really liked him. But now hes gone. With someone else. I cant blame him. I hate him for what hes done to me, but its not like i KNOW that he did it. But I dont know if he did it, and thats the point. He very well could have.

My heart still aches. But ill get over it. I found Richard, although that doesnt mean hes going to wait for me. Im independent and waiting. Someday, someone will find me. Someone will want me for more than just sex, and treat me the way I had only dreamed of.

Goodbye Jacob Kealoha Theone.

Hele On

Actually. I know this is my second post in a day, but it really feels like I need to keep writing. By 2:00, my aunty will be here and there is something that I needed to say. This ones ALL gonna be about... Wonderbread.

Dear Kamaile,

First off, I want to let you know that im not mad at you. Even though, no matter how oblivious to the situation you may act, I very well have the right to be. But im not.

What happened between me and Wonderbread happened for a reason. It wasnt the smoothest ride, but it all worked out between you two. In fact, and I know this is a terrible cliche, Im honestly happy for you two. Really. This is no jealous facade, but honestly I always knew he wanted you, deep down. I just didnt want to see it. How could I not? One day he even bothered to tell me that he invited you to the movies and you 'made out' with him. Okay, hello? It takes two people to make out. I was angry yeah, but how could I show it? It wasnt fair with what I was doing to him. I didnt understand how confused I made him. I didnt understand the things I was doing to him. He didnt even want me around his friends and I didnt understand why until I realized it was just you he was uncomfortable with me having around. I honestly think he didnt even know what he was doing until you were right up in his face.

Well it was still obvious. Whenever you had an emotional problem, hed be so worried and hed talk to me because I guess thats what I made him believe. That I was the one to talk to, even though I didnt want him to talk to me about you. Whenever you were hurting, he told me to talk to you, but I refused. Whenever you had a boyfriend, hed get mad, and not want to talk about you anymore. Hows this? We actually had to promise not to talk about you again, and even after that, he did. I stared at him and he had to apologize.

The way you made him feel, he wanted you to feel it too. We saw you with three boys one day, and hid around the corner, when he suggested that he take his shirt off and we make out in front of you. He was so excited to do it he was actually dragging me around the corner. But I said no. It didnt feel right and I didnt want to do that. No matter how angry you had made me feel with him, I knew it wasnt your fault. Sure you were seducing him while he was with me... But we both know that technically I couldnt claim him. You know why. It just got so complicated, and.... He ended up picking you. And from there I just felt used. I was used. Anyway...

Im sorry the way things turned out between us. I cant even look him in the eye anymore. But I want you to know theres no hard feelings. Against you that is. Im sure I'll get over it one day. Hell, maybe its today. But I want you to know that I look forward to softball together next year. Your a nice girl, and you two are great together. Hes a good listener, and really has the genuine heart that wants to help with whatever you need. Just keep him close, because he does tend to attract girls. You know what I mean.

Have a great summer girl!

Pickles

Silver Star

My softball team is in a tournament now and later today I have a game. Ugh Im so tired! Im so tired of softball and bats and gloves and all that sports stuff. Im sick of it, but its pretty much the only life I have, and Im actually good at it. In fact Im really good at it. But honestly, I hate how some girls on the team dont try as hard. They literally just give up, and sit on the bench. Some have potential but dont care. I hate that.

Softball is a sport that builds character. It increases endurance and teaches friendship and teamwork. I didnt get it in the beginning either, what with different girls I had never even seen walk around school before, but when I met them, they were beautiful, strong, talented girls who I wanted to be just like. I got good at this sport and sure it was no canoe and paddle, but it was what I had to work with... And through softball I seriously had to shape up. I had to learn to do what others told me, and how to get better by doing it. I honestly think that I got something genuine from it.

That is what I need to bring to my team. I want them to have the will to work, and the strenght to pick each other up and stay up. There are too many that give up too easily. I dont want that. I also dont want to hear my dad nag everyday about how the coaching staff sucks and how they dont push us hard enough, and how my swing needs serious adjustment. HELLO earth to father, this is a softball team that teaches the basics. Its for the learning experience, and not everything is about winning.

We lost sorely yesterday. Yeah sorely is a word... now.
It was Na Pa'ani, and they LICKED our sorry asses. For you haoles and mainlanders, that just means they gave us spanks. But only because they bunted the shit out of the ball, and we had some major errors. I have to admit, we tried, but it wasnt enough. The girls just need something more than another loss. They need a push, but im not the leader that they should have. Sometimes I too wish the coaches did a little more, but its not just their fault. Its everyones attitude and how they feel about the game. They dont take it seriously.

I guess it was when one of the girls from my varsity team last year told me that she wasnt going to sit here and not make it to states. The previous year their team placed fifth in their division, and she explained so well to how good it felt. I wanted that too. And then just a few months ago, we had made it to states, and once again placed fifth.

She was right. It felt so good. Which is why im going to push our girls to try even when were down, and to pick each other up when they missed their chance for the third out.

Yes I can say that I love softball, even though it smothers me to death. Even though I dont want to admit it to my dad. Even though I wanted to paddle so bad it made me cry. I love softball because it makes me feel good, and totally not sneaky or heartless :)