I cant handle this.
I cant handle being out, where I see his truck everywhere. I hate having to hold it in.
I hate having to deal with my past. Why cant my past just stay there. Its brought up almost every day in my dads emotions. In the comments he makes to me, no matter how hurt I am. He apologizes, but its still there, haunting me. This is true guilt. True remorse.
Now, I need to think.
I am torturing my family. This is something my dad will never forget about. This isnt something he can just lay off. Then when he gets belligerent after a drinking binge, I cant blame him for anything, or correct him about the way he acts because he would just get me back with something I did in the past that made me act irresponsibly. Then it just gets to be too much.
Im trying, and im not playing any games! He thinks I am.
This is an issue with me and him. I am realistic, and he is trying to control me! He cant.
You cant do this to me. Please dont do this to me. You cant make me choose, but it just seems like you want me to leave. Thats all you talk about, like you want me to leave so bad. So im out of your hair. Believe me. Yes I want out too, but this is too important for me. This is important for ev eryone, and nobody wants this family to fall apart. This is between me and you. Yes I am the source of it all, and you cant say that your not blaming me, because you are. And I am too. We went through it all, and how I am going to change, and try my best... But you need to let go. Please, please, please... let go. Because I will be trapped here forever. Sometimes I just think there is no where for me to go. You give me a choice, but is it really a choice? Between you, and her? Here or there? Between being responsible, and loving, and trying to make it work, or a selfish, ungrateful, little bitch who doesnt give a rats ass about her family?
That is NOT who I want to be! Thats not who I am. I understand that I havent made the best decisions and Im not the most responsible. I hope that one day you can forgive me.
What I also realize is that... We are two different people. We dont think the same. We dont have the same ideas about alot of things, and we dont reason the same way. Were different.
Thats all I have for now because one other thing is, we are scared. We all are.
I wish you understood.
