I cant handle this.
I cant handle being out, where I see his truck everywhere. I hate having to hold it in.
I hate having to deal with my past. Why cant my past just stay there. Its brought up almost every day in my dads emotions. In the comments he makes to me, no matter how hurt I am. He apologizes, but its still there, haunting me. This is true guilt. True remorse.
Now, I need to think.
I am torturing my family. This is something my dad will never forget about. This isnt something he can just lay off. Then when he gets belligerent after a drinking binge, I cant blame him for anything, or correct him about the way he acts because he would just get me back with something I did in the past that made me act irresponsibly. Then it just gets to be too much.
Im trying, and im not playing any games! He thinks I am.
This is an issue with me and him. I am realistic, and he is trying to control me! He cant.
You cant do this to me. Please dont do this to me. You cant make me choose, but it just seems like you want me to leave. Thats all you talk about, like you want me to leave so bad. So im out of your hair. Believe me. Yes I want out too, but this is too important for me. This is important for ev eryone, and nobody wants this family to fall apart. This is between me and you. Yes I am the source of it all, and you cant say that your not blaming me, because you are. And I am too. We went through it all, and how I am going to change, and try my best... But you need to let go. Please, please, please... let go. Because I will be trapped here forever. Sometimes I just think there is no where for me to go. You give me a choice, but is it really a choice? Between you, and her? Here or there? Between being responsible, and loving, and trying to make it work, or a selfish, ungrateful, little bitch who doesnt give a rats ass about her family?
That is NOT who I want to be! Thats not who I am. I understand that I havent made the best decisions and Im not the most responsible. I hope that one day you can forgive me.
What I also realize is that... We are two different people. We dont think the same. We dont have the same ideas about alot of things, and we dont reason the same way. Were different.
Thats all I have for now because one other thing is, we are scared. We all are.
I wish you understood.
26.7.10
22.7.10
Rhino Chasers
My heart got twisted today.
I did have a thing goin on with someone after Wonderbread, but before Richard. Im actually gonna use this guys name though. Kealoha. And hes pretty much the most recent heartbreak I have. Let me paint you a picture.
"Hey, gimmie your number..." he says as he pulls out his phone.
Kealoha has a paddlers body. Tall, slender, broad shoulders, and an amazing smile. Being out in the sun made him darker than I was, but I liked how his skin looked like chocolate.
"...Let me put it in your phone," I say. I have NO intention of putting my number in it. Instead, as he waits, I call my own phone so I have his number, then delete it from his dialed list.
"Here you go," I smile at him. He winks, and starts walking back to his paddling crew. I laugh as I jump into my own car, and drive away.
A few days later, back at practice, he confronts me again and says he doesnt have it. I tell him I know, and go to my own practice. I turn halfway to my canoe, and tell him I'll call him later. Soon enough thats what I do. From then we start talking for the rest of the season.... It was pretty amazing, him and me. We hit it off from the beginning; our chemistry was amazing. One day at practice, my dad was yelling at me over the phone because we were late to practice, and I hadnt called him like I was suppose to. I started to cry, and Kealoha saw me. My crew had already left, and we had to wave them down later, but for now I had to wait til I didnt look like I was crying. Kealoha was there to comfort me... He told me to calm down, and it wasnt the end of the world. I had this pathetic look on my face, I guess, because he kept telling me to smile. We went inside the halau so I could wipe my face up, and when I turned around he was right there in front of my face. He stood there looking at me, at my eyes, at my lips, at everything. Thats where we had our first kiss. He smelled so good...
Later on before states, we had sex. It wasnt the ideal place, or the time. It was just quick, dirty, sex. I should have been ashamed, but I wasnt. Not when his friends started shouting from outside. Not when the hobo was mocking us and laughing. Not even when we passed his whole crew, guys and girls, who knew what we were up to because of his friends. I guess I was dumb and blind. But thats how much I wanted it. Thats how much I wanted him.
Soon I started to sneak out to see him when he got a truck. Green, with a black hood. It was late at night, and he would drop me off before my parents woke up. We would do it by the beach, in the rain, in the back, and I would be all cool with it. It was messed up and I realize it now but... I have to admit, while Im being honest, it was good. Maybe even great.
But not worth it when my parents found out. After that I didnt want to see him anymore because I was so ashamed. I liked him so much, but I couldnt face him about what had happened. My dad got a video of me from the last night Kealoha and I were together. I had no idea where it came from, but it got to him...
Then Kealoha showed up to my school, after me not contacting him for weeks. He just pulled up next to me as I was walking down the road running through our school. I knew it was his truck when he past me because I could smell him. He started to reverse, and my stomach twisted into knots...
Im sorry.
"Get in." He said, looking at me smiling.
"I cant." I cant look at him in the eye. I look all around him. I look all around me. If anyone was watching this. It was unbelieveable.
"I need to talk to you." I say.
"Sure lets go talk somewhere," he says, "Just get in the truck."
No. I cant do this with him. I walk up to his window, putting my hands on the door.
"I need to be somewhere," I say... "I know I already told you that my parents know, but I didnt tell you why..."
"So? Howd they find out?" he asks.
"A video. Someone saw us, filmed... and sent it to my dad."
Then it hit me. He didnt say nothing. Just, "wow." And then nothing. He stared past his wheel, and didnt look at me.
It was him. He did it. I mean it couldnt have been him, but he had help.
What the fuck?!
"I dont know who did it..." I say, becoming enraged, "But only you and I knew that we were there. And it damn sure wasnt me."
He looks at me, "You think I did it?"
I stare back, "I dont know anything... Im just telling you what I do know."
He looks away and doesnt say anything. Its breaking my heart.
Please. Please, fight for what you want me to believe. If you didnt do it then tell me. If you didnt do it, argue your point, and try to make me believe!
But he didnt. He sat there.
"Dont... come back here again. I dont want to see you ever. I cant, and I wont. Please just go. I-... need to be somewhere..."
He looks back at me, like hes waiting for something else.
I dont want to say goodbye. What I want to do is kiss him... His face is so close....
Instead, I step away from his truck, and look down the road.
I want him to leave.... And so he goes. He starts slowly, still looking at me. When he puts his eyes on the road, he leaves just like I wanted him to, and drives as fast as he can... My stomach starts to turn, and my nose is burning. My eyes are fogging up, and as I continue walking down the road, watching his truck disappear, I can feel the tears running down my face, turning cold as the wind hits me. It felt like my chest caved in, and my heart stopped beating. I was cold, and I was hurt.
SO NOW...
Today me and my dad went to Lanikai beach, where Kealoha would take me to have sex, and as I jump out to sit in the back with him and his coworker, I see a familiar face. Of course its him. I didnt know it at first, it just looked like him from far away. But he was with a girl. Tossing around with her in the water. Hugging her, kissing her. Just playing around. But thats all it took. It brought me back to... Us. Him and me. Then I saw it. His truck was parked right in front of ours. I couldnt believe how blind I was. Who could miss it?
After watching them I wondered.... Do they have sex in that truck too? Does she know hes had another girl in that truck? Did he see me? Did he tell her about me? What did he say?
I was sick. After that, I just... Kealoha has been stuck in my head since... I really liked him. But now hes gone. With someone else. I cant blame him. I hate him for what hes done to me, but its not like i KNOW that he did it. But I dont know if he did it, and thats the point. He very well could have.
My heart still aches. But ill get over it. I found Richard, although that doesnt mean hes going to wait for me. Im independent and waiting. Someday, someone will find me. Someone will want me for more than just sex, and treat me the way I had only dreamed of.
Goodbye Jacob Kealoha Theone.
I did have a thing goin on with someone after Wonderbread, but before Richard. Im actually gonna use this guys name though. Kealoha. And hes pretty much the most recent heartbreak I have. Let me paint you a picture.
"Hey, gimmie your number..." he says as he pulls out his phone.
Kealoha has a paddlers body. Tall, slender, broad shoulders, and an amazing smile. Being out in the sun made him darker than I was, but I liked how his skin looked like chocolate.
"...Let me put it in your phone," I say. I have NO intention of putting my number in it. Instead, as he waits, I call my own phone so I have his number, then delete it from his dialed list.
"Here you go," I smile at him. He winks, and starts walking back to his paddling crew. I laugh as I jump into my own car, and drive away.
A few days later, back at practice, he confronts me again and says he doesnt have it. I tell him I know, and go to my own practice. I turn halfway to my canoe, and tell him I'll call him later. Soon enough thats what I do. From then we start talking for the rest of the season.... It was pretty amazing, him and me. We hit it off from the beginning; our chemistry was amazing. One day at practice, my dad was yelling at me over the phone because we were late to practice, and I hadnt called him like I was suppose to. I started to cry, and Kealoha saw me. My crew had already left, and we had to wave them down later, but for now I had to wait til I didnt look like I was crying. Kealoha was there to comfort me... He told me to calm down, and it wasnt the end of the world. I had this pathetic look on my face, I guess, because he kept telling me to smile. We went inside the halau so I could wipe my face up, and when I turned around he was right there in front of my face. He stood there looking at me, at my eyes, at my lips, at everything. Thats where we had our first kiss. He smelled so good...
Later on before states, we had sex. It wasnt the ideal place, or the time. It was just quick, dirty, sex. I should have been ashamed, but I wasnt. Not when his friends started shouting from outside. Not when the hobo was mocking us and laughing. Not even when we passed his whole crew, guys and girls, who knew what we were up to because of his friends. I guess I was dumb and blind. But thats how much I wanted it. Thats how much I wanted him.
Soon I started to sneak out to see him when he got a truck. Green, with a black hood. It was late at night, and he would drop me off before my parents woke up. We would do it by the beach, in the rain, in the back, and I would be all cool with it. It was messed up and I realize it now but... I have to admit, while Im being honest, it was good. Maybe even great.
But not worth it when my parents found out. After that I didnt want to see him anymore because I was so ashamed. I liked him so much, but I couldnt face him about what had happened. My dad got a video of me from the last night Kealoha and I were together. I had no idea where it came from, but it got to him...
Then Kealoha showed up to my school, after me not contacting him for weeks. He just pulled up next to me as I was walking down the road running through our school. I knew it was his truck when he past me because I could smell him. He started to reverse, and my stomach twisted into knots...
Im sorry.
"Get in." He said, looking at me smiling.
"I cant." I cant look at him in the eye. I look all around him. I look all around me. If anyone was watching this. It was unbelieveable.
"I need to talk to you." I say.
"Sure lets go talk somewhere," he says, "Just get in the truck."
No. I cant do this with him. I walk up to his window, putting my hands on the door.
"I need to be somewhere," I say... "I know I already told you that my parents know, but I didnt tell you why..."
"So? Howd they find out?" he asks.
"A video. Someone saw us, filmed... and sent it to my dad."
Then it hit me. He didnt say nothing. Just, "wow." And then nothing. He stared past his wheel, and didnt look at me.
It was him. He did it. I mean it couldnt have been him, but he had help.
What the fuck?!
"I dont know who did it..." I say, becoming enraged, "But only you and I knew that we were there. And it damn sure wasnt me."
He looks at me, "You think I did it?"
I stare back, "I dont know anything... Im just telling you what I do know."
He looks away and doesnt say anything. Its breaking my heart.
Please. Please, fight for what you want me to believe. If you didnt do it then tell me. If you didnt do it, argue your point, and try to make me believe!
But he didnt. He sat there.
"Dont... come back here again. I dont want to see you ever. I cant, and I wont. Please just go. I-... need to be somewhere..."
He looks back at me, like hes waiting for something else.
I dont want to say goodbye. What I want to do is kiss him... His face is so close....
Instead, I step away from his truck, and look down the road.
I want him to leave.... And so he goes. He starts slowly, still looking at me. When he puts his eyes on the road, he leaves just like I wanted him to, and drives as fast as he can... My stomach starts to turn, and my nose is burning. My eyes are fogging up, and as I continue walking down the road, watching his truck disappear, I can feel the tears running down my face, turning cold as the wind hits me. It felt like my chest caved in, and my heart stopped beating. I was cold, and I was hurt.
SO NOW...
Today me and my dad went to Lanikai beach, where Kealoha would take me to have sex, and as I jump out to sit in the back with him and his coworker, I see a familiar face. Of course its him. I didnt know it at first, it just looked like him from far away. But he was with a girl. Tossing around with her in the water. Hugging her, kissing her. Just playing around. But thats all it took. It brought me back to... Us. Him and me. Then I saw it. His truck was parked right in front of ours. I couldnt believe how blind I was. Who could miss it?
After watching them I wondered.... Do they have sex in that truck too? Does she know hes had another girl in that truck? Did he see me? Did he tell her about me? What did he say?
I was sick. After that, I just... Kealoha has been stuck in my head since... I really liked him. But now hes gone. With someone else. I cant blame him. I hate him for what hes done to me, but its not like i KNOW that he did it. But I dont know if he did it, and thats the point. He very well could have.
My heart still aches. But ill get over it. I found Richard, although that doesnt mean hes going to wait for me. Im independent and waiting. Someday, someone will find me. Someone will want me for more than just sex, and treat me the way I had only dreamed of.
Goodbye Jacob Kealoha Theone.
13.7.10
Hele On
Actually. I know this is my second post in a day, but it really feels like I need to keep writing. By 2:00, my aunty will be here and there is something that I needed to say. This ones ALL gonna be about... Wonderbread.
Dear Kamaile,
First off, I want to let you know that im not mad at you. Even though, no matter how oblivious to the situation you may act, I very well have the right to be. But im not.
What happened between me and Wonderbread happened for a reason. It wasnt the smoothest ride, but it all worked out between you two. In fact, and I know this is a terrible cliche, Im honestly happy for you two. Really. This is no jealous facade, but honestly I always knew he wanted you, deep down. I just didnt want to see it. How could I not? One day he even bothered to tell me that he invited you to the movies and you 'made out' with him. Okay, hello? It takes two people to make out. I was angry yeah, but how could I show it? It wasnt fair with what I was doing to him. I didnt understand how confused I made him. I didnt understand the things I was doing to him. He didnt even want me around his friends and I didnt understand why until I realized it was just you he was uncomfortable with me having around. I honestly think he didnt even know what he was doing until you were right up in his face.
Well it was still obvious. Whenever you had an emotional problem, hed be so worried and hed talk to me because I guess thats what I made him believe. That I was the one to talk to, even though I didnt want him to talk to me about you. Whenever you were hurting, he told me to talk to you, but I refused. Whenever you had a boyfriend, hed get mad, and not want to talk about you anymore. Hows this? We actually had to promise not to talk about you again, and even after that, he did. I stared at him and he had to apologize.
The way you made him feel, he wanted you to feel it too. We saw you with three boys one day, and hid around the corner, when he suggested that he take his shirt off and we make out in front of you. He was so excited to do it he was actually dragging me around the corner. But I said no. It didnt feel right and I didnt want to do that. No matter how angry you had made me feel with him, I knew it wasnt your fault. Sure you were seducing him while he was with me... But we both know that technically I couldnt claim him. You know why. It just got so complicated, and.... He ended up picking you. And from there I just felt used. I was used. Anyway...
Im sorry the way things turned out between us. I cant even look him in the eye anymore. But I want you to know theres no hard feelings. Against you that is. Im sure I'll get over it one day. Hell, maybe its today. But I want you to know that I look forward to softball together next year. Your a nice girl, and you two are great together. Hes a good listener, and really has the genuine heart that wants to help with whatever you need. Just keep him close, because he does tend to attract girls. You know what I mean.
Have a great summer girl!
Pickles
Dear Kamaile,
First off, I want to let you know that im not mad at you. Even though, no matter how oblivious to the situation you may act, I very well have the right to be. But im not.
What happened between me and Wonderbread happened for a reason. It wasnt the smoothest ride, but it all worked out between you two. In fact, and I know this is a terrible cliche, Im honestly happy for you two. Really. This is no jealous facade, but honestly I always knew he wanted you, deep down. I just didnt want to see it. How could I not? One day he even bothered to tell me that he invited you to the movies and you 'made out' with him. Okay, hello? It takes two people to make out. I was angry yeah, but how could I show it? It wasnt fair with what I was doing to him. I didnt understand how confused I made him. I didnt understand the things I was doing to him. He didnt even want me around his friends and I didnt understand why until I realized it was just you he was uncomfortable with me having around. I honestly think he didnt even know what he was doing until you were right up in his face.
Well it was still obvious. Whenever you had an emotional problem, hed be so worried and hed talk to me because I guess thats what I made him believe. That I was the one to talk to, even though I didnt want him to talk to me about you. Whenever you were hurting, he told me to talk to you, but I refused. Whenever you had a boyfriend, hed get mad, and not want to talk about you anymore. Hows this? We actually had to promise not to talk about you again, and even after that, he did. I stared at him and he had to apologize.
The way you made him feel, he wanted you to feel it too. We saw you with three boys one day, and hid around the corner, when he suggested that he take his shirt off and we make out in front of you. He was so excited to do it he was actually dragging me around the corner. But I said no. It didnt feel right and I didnt want to do that. No matter how angry you had made me feel with him, I knew it wasnt your fault. Sure you were seducing him while he was with me... But we both know that technically I couldnt claim him. You know why. It just got so complicated, and.... He ended up picking you. And from there I just felt used. I was used. Anyway...
Im sorry the way things turned out between us. I cant even look him in the eye anymore. But I want you to know theres no hard feelings. Against you that is. Im sure I'll get over it one day. Hell, maybe its today. But I want you to know that I look forward to softball together next year. Your a nice girl, and you two are great together. Hes a good listener, and really has the genuine heart that wants to help with whatever you need. Just keep him close, because he does tend to attract girls. You know what I mean.
Have a great summer girl!
Pickles
Silver Star
My softball team is in a tournament now and later today I have a game. Ugh Im so tired! Im so tired of softball and bats and gloves and all that sports stuff. Im sick of it, but its pretty much the only life I have, and Im actually good at it. In fact Im really good at it. But honestly, I hate how some girls on the team dont try as hard. They literally just give up, and sit on the bench. Some have potential but dont care. I hate that.
Softball is a sport that builds character. It increases endurance and teaches friendship and teamwork. I didnt get it in the beginning either, what with different girls I had never even seen walk around school before, but when I met them, they were beautiful, strong, talented girls who I wanted to be just like. I got good at this sport and sure it was no canoe and paddle, but it was what I had to work with... And through softball I seriously had to shape up. I had to learn to do what others told me, and how to get better by doing it. I honestly think that I got something genuine from it.
That is what I need to bring to my team. I want them to have the will to work, and the strenght to pick each other up and stay up. There are too many that give up too easily. I dont want that. I also dont want to hear my dad nag everyday about how the coaching staff sucks and how they dont push us hard enough, and how my swing needs serious adjustment. HELLO earth to father, this is a softball team that teaches the basics. Its for the learning experience, and not everything is about winning.
We lost sorely yesterday. Yeah sorely is a word... now.
It was Na Pa'ani, and they LICKED our sorry asses. For you haoles and mainlanders, that just means they gave us spanks. But only because they bunted the shit out of the ball, and we had some major errors. I have to admit, we tried, but it wasnt enough. The girls just need something more than another loss. They need a push, but im not the leader that they should have. Sometimes I too wish the coaches did a little more, but its not just their fault. Its everyones attitude and how they feel about the game. They dont take it seriously.
I guess it was when one of the girls from my varsity team last year told me that she wasnt going to sit here and not make it to states. The previous year their team placed fifth in their division, and she explained so well to how good it felt. I wanted that too. And then just a few months ago, we had made it to states, and once again placed fifth.
She was right. It felt so good. Which is why im going to push our girls to try even when were down, and to pick each other up when they missed their chance for the third out.
Yes I can say that I love softball, even though it smothers me to death. Even though I dont want to admit it to my dad. Even though I wanted to paddle so bad it made me cry. I love softball because it makes me feel good, and totally not sneaky or heartless :)
Softball is a sport that builds character. It increases endurance and teaches friendship and teamwork. I didnt get it in the beginning either, what with different girls I had never even seen walk around school before, but when I met them, they were beautiful, strong, talented girls who I wanted to be just like. I got good at this sport and sure it was no canoe and paddle, but it was what I had to work with... And through softball I seriously had to shape up. I had to learn to do what others told me, and how to get better by doing it. I honestly think that I got something genuine from it.
That is what I need to bring to my team. I want them to have the will to work, and the strenght to pick each other up and stay up. There are too many that give up too easily. I dont want that. I also dont want to hear my dad nag everyday about how the coaching staff sucks and how they dont push us hard enough, and how my swing needs serious adjustment. HELLO earth to father, this is a softball team that teaches the basics. Its for the learning experience, and not everything is about winning.
We lost sorely yesterday. Yeah sorely is a word... now.
It was Na Pa'ani, and they LICKED our sorry asses. For you haoles and mainlanders, that just means they gave us spanks. But only because they bunted the shit out of the ball, and we had some major errors. I have to admit, we tried, but it wasnt enough. The girls just need something more than another loss. They need a push, but im not the leader that they should have. Sometimes I too wish the coaches did a little more, but its not just their fault. Its everyones attitude and how they feel about the game. They dont take it seriously.
I guess it was when one of the girls from my varsity team last year told me that she wasnt going to sit here and not make it to states. The previous year their team placed fifth in their division, and she explained so well to how good it felt. I wanted that too. And then just a few months ago, we had made it to states, and once again placed fifth.
She was right. It felt so good. Which is why im going to push our girls to try even when were down, and to pick each other up when they missed their chance for the third out.
Yes I can say that I love softball, even though it smothers me to death. Even though I dont want to admit it to my dad. Even though I wanted to paddle so bad it made me cry. I love softball because it makes me feel good, and totally not sneaky or heartless :)
9.7.10
NEXT... Degrassi
This is a must read.
First of all, one day a bunch of months ago, I was looking for money in the couches out side in our garage that my dad got from one of his jobs. I REALLY needed some cash. Instead I found this dirty old envolope, pretty thick, dating 1981! When I opened it there were six pages of stationary. The kind of paper you find on the night stand next to you in one of those hotels in Vegas. Except it wasnt from Vegas! The Grand Hyatt, New York was printed at the top, and each page was filled with words, front and back. I couldnt resist reading it, so when I did I swear I think I was about to cry. I told my dad about it and he got mad because youre not suppose to read other peoples mail. I guess hes right.... But I couldnt resist posting it because its SO amazing. So if you think reading other peoples mail is wrong dont read. But I must tell you, its a heartwrencher. I love it.
First of all, one day a bunch of months ago, I was looking for money in the couches out side in our garage that my dad got from one of his jobs. I REALLY needed some cash. Instead I found this dirty old envolope, pretty thick, dating 1981! When I opened it there were six pages of stationary. The kind of paper you find on the night stand next to you in one of those hotels in Vegas. Except it wasnt from Vegas! The Grand Hyatt, New York was printed at the top, and each page was filled with words, front and back. I couldnt resist reading it, so when I did I swear I think I was about to cry. I told my dad about it and he got mad because youre not suppose to read other peoples mail. I guess hes right.... But I couldnt resist posting it because its SO amazing. So if you think reading other peoples mail is wrong dont read. But I must tell you, its a heartwrencher. I love it.
Dear Jaylene,It's 5:00 in the morning and I just got back from the Hospital. I'm wide awake; I haven't been able to sleep all night. So going to the hospital wasn't so bad- in fact, I was able to keep my mind off what I was dwelling on all night. I called you at work yesterday and I;m sure you must have gotten the message. I'm not so dumb as to not figure out why you didn't return my call. I called in the evening but you weren't home. Then while I was lying in bed I had the crazy urge to call you at 1:30 but you still weren't home. I know you were probably staying at Darren's.
Someone once told me that when a woman stops calling, that there is no bond anymore. Maybe its true. Maybe in your head everything has been reconciled. Maybe your in love with Darren. Maybe you've lost all your feelings towards me and about what we had.
But life is full of maybes. There are many things in life that have to be accepted. Those things have a certain air about them- the air of finality. Maybe in your mind that air about finality about our relationship. But after seeing you on Wednesday night I couldn't help feeling that there was still something just beneath the surface. Some thing that wanted to come out but couldn't at the time.
The thing that's great about letters is that you have all the time in the world to think about what you're going to say and you don't have to be afraid to say it.
When I saw you a week ago and then walked you home, I could tell that you were very angry at me. Angry for what I had done while we were together as much as for bringing out feelings that you were trying to forget about. When I dropped you off I wanted desperately to talk to you about everything, but I realized that it was not the right time- I respected your right to finish your work without having to dwell on our problems. But you said to me that once Wednesday called around that we could sit and talk and we made plans for you to come in to have some dental work done. I don't need to have the reasons spelled out for you not calling before that or even not wanting to come in. You see, I brought the onlay to you because I was excited by the way it turned out. I wanted to give it to you over dinner but the situation was too tense. I felt then that I had to do one other thing. As much as I didn't want to, I felt that if I gave you the onlay, that you would not feel it necessary to have to come to see me to have it put in- that this was a perfect excuse for you to say goodbye and just have everything done elsewhere. And I guess that's really what I expected to hear from you when I called on Wednesday at 5:00, when we started the conversation you sounded like you didn't want to come in. I can only guess as to why you suddenly changed your mind and came in immediately.
Maybe its that I have always been the eternal optimist- or maybe I'm just being a little naive. I felt that even after what we had been through, that you were still glad to see me. And I was damn glad to see you. From the moment I saw you, all I wanted to do was to touch you. But I was scared that if I was a little too forward that you night say that you didn't want me to and then our time together would be tense and angry. In fact, its the first time in a couple of months that we have been able to go out together without having any deep, dark secrets to hide. Its all in the open. We both know about each others situation and that it would be easy to say let it be. The letter I wrote you hurt you; I know that. But it was not written to hurt you, but rather as a catharsis for me in my feelings towards you. I felt that if I was ever going to be honest about my feelings towards you, that I had to be completely honest. Saying those things probably hurt me as much as they did you- and that I had to accept the consequences.
And if anything about what I said is true, then the end of my letter was especially true. These last couple of months were a luxury I never had before. To be able to think about life and love without any excuses to fall back on. Or work to get in the way. And the more I thought, the more the cards came up the same way. There's no other way to say it than I'm in love with you. And not the kind of love that you feel when your losing someone, or the love you feel when you jealous about someone else in the picture. But a love for a woman for the person that she is, and what she has been to me.
I'm sure in your head you're saying well what about ME? What did I get in return for the love I gave to you?
I wish I could have gave you more at the time. But you know the reasons why I couldn't.
If there is one thing that we could both agree on, its that we were basically happy in our relationship. The point here is that we could have been even happier. If I hurt you, I hope its not for what I did, but for what I didnt do or give you.
If you love Darren, its because he is giving you what I didnt, and thats attention to your needs. But I dont think that he can be the kind of friend that we were to each other, or even are to each other now. Even after breaking up on graduation day we did not leave angry. On the contrary, we both left sad. Sad that we were both losing something that was really good in our lives. So you tried to find that goodness in someone elses heart. And you may be finding it. But all new relationships start out that way, then the real people come out, then it has to stand the test of time. We did and if we were disappointed, its not because of what we did but what we didnt do.
Baby, I have to get to the point, Darren may be giving you something I didnt give you. But there is nothing that he can give you that I cant. And there is something more important. And that is that we are still friends after what we have done. Without that friendship, there can be no other lasting ties. A funny thought just crossed my mind. When I saw you in the city on our way to your place, you alluded to the letter I wrote to you. You asked me if I had fixed my bike. I said yes and then you asked me if I had fixed both of them. I said yes again and thought it funny that you should ask. But maybe you were really asking me whether I thought of you when I was riding. It occured to me that I had fixed it in the hope that you would go riding with me again.
I do. There are many things I would like to do with you again. And then some things that perhaps we havent done. I dont want you to think that I wout expect the same kind of relationship we had before, or to act in the way we have. If I said to you before that I didnt see any future in our relationship its because of the way I led myself. I couldnt imagine that kind of rez..?... towards anyone. But there comes a time in life that you have to test the waters.
Let the happiness that we have known be the foundation for where we go from here. If we date other people, lets be fine and honest to discuss it.
If we see each other, let it be because we feel that its right and that its good for both of us, with each other respecting the others needs and aspirations. In that way, if anything was meant to be, it will come of this kind of relationship. There is no holding back anymore.
Well, I could probably write a few more pages, but it wouldnt say anything more clearly than I had already said it. Its 7:00 now and Ive watched the sun come up. Ive done that only a few times in my life. I have to be at the hospital early this morning so i have to get ready.
If I leave you with a thought it is this:
There is a song that is playing over and over in my mind. To paraphrase it-
Weve come to our fork in the road, and now its time to go.
But maybe a spark still remains, and sparks turn into flames.
I dont ever want to see [you frown].
See ya-
Love,
Greg
Okay so that was It! Now lemme tell you some stuff. The lady that Greg is writing to is the one who gave my dad the couch. You will never guess who her husband is now. Darren! It really tears me apart knowing that, because I feel sorry for Greg. But I guess she made her decision. It really makes me wonder what happened. I guess I'll never know....
Yes names have been changed, and yeah that random word that was never finished... I couldnt read it. Sorry.
8.7.10
Nutrition Facts
Hey there! I guess its time to finish my story, but first i wanted to explain my nomenclature of posts. "Nutrition Facts" was the first thing I saw that really stood out to me. When I was in my moms office, "Pelvic Pain" just so happened to be the title of the book nearest me. If I hadent seen the label on my dads water bottle, then the title probably would have been "OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR."
"Oh shes in a car!' you may think. Yes. Im in a car. My dads truck to be specific. Like yesterday, Im with a parent who can watch me so I dont do anything stupid and reckless... Because I am. And they know it.
So anyway, where was I with the story about, uh, Richard? Oh yeah.
After talking to him that day i was so girly about the whole thing. Giggly and butterflyee, if that was ever a word. I really just wanted to see him and talk to him again. Actually the first time i was kinda bugged about his manini stache. It needed to be shaved, but I didnt care too much. I only cared that he SPOKE to me. On his own, thank god.
So later that day when i was looking for my sister so we could go home, I passed him while I was trying to reach her on her cell. I was really nervous so I stupidly just walked past him without even looking at him. That was the last time I saw him for the remainder of the year, even though people kept telling me that they seen him around campus a few times. I guess for rehearsal of graduation or something.
So after that I missed him, even though we only had one conversation. Ever. Its kinda pathetic if you think about it. I finally meet the guy and im... In 'like' with him. Eventually I try to move on with life. Maybe I would see him later in the future, I thought to myself. Not too bad. Maybe he'll still be interested. PFFT I doubt it.
Surprisingly, the girls who bugged me about him, KEPT bugging me. Saying that he still really wants to cruise. What did he actually have a real crush on me or something? I just figured he thought I was pretty and was interested, like I was. I mean I guess thats how I was until I met him. Was it like that for him too? I was really curious after. But then....
The year ended. With nothing. No boyfriend, and no hope. I was once again on my own wondering when the next guy will come along that will be worthy enough for my father. I still have lots of issues with him about boys, but I really want to share myself with someone. I mean, not like that... But you know? I guess ill never know until i find someone like that, who feels the same way. And when I do, Ill explain that as best I can.
So the summer dragged on. I started to play seasonal softball, and life went on. Then it was, oh i dont remember... the middle of June. And we went to one of my softball friends grad party. Shes super nutts when it comes to softball, but even more when she wrestles. Anyway, at her party, which we got to late, I ran into my bathroom friend. It had already been a few weeks and she STILL talked about Richard. Honestly I was surprised, and on the inside I was cheering. Did he really like me as much as she said he did? I really wanted to know and right then what i did know is that i would have to ask him myself. I know you must think that i must have had some sort of plan. And believe me i thought about it, but thats not the kind of person I am now. Im someone who is recovering from situations like that, and am hoping for something more real, rather than texting and hiding from parents etc. So I just had to wait. When the time was ready I would make my move. Im a strong woman and I dont have to wait for anyone, and I can make my own decisions. Even if theyre not the best, Ill take responsibility for dumb decisions.
I was stuck. I was happy, but sad, you know what I mean? I was happy to hear what she had to say to me about him... But what do I do with it? Im pretty caged, and I dont even have friends i go hang out with. I never had an oppurtunity to do something like go out and cruise. When your so sheltered you dont really have the room to make friends that would stick with you. You see other people with their BFFFFFFs and their friendships that would probably last a lifetime, but its hard for me. Luckily, during that time, my cousin came down to visit from a different island.
My dad told me we could go to the beach. I was stoked! Just going to the beach with my cousin for a few hours had me ecstatic. I hadnt been to the beach for months and months, and I missed it so bad. The salty spray and the smell of sunscreen. Finally we were on the beach with our towels in hand, and toes in the sand. I love the beach.
Were laying on the sand and get this....
"Hey" I hear that low voice, and my stomach turns.
I peak out from under my arm, and standing a few feet from my head, Richard is smiling at me. HOLY CRAP is my first thought. After all that stress he gave me, my one wish is answered, like fricken movie or something. I turn over on my stomach and get up quickly. What do I do? I give him a traditional hawaiian hi and kiss his cheek.
"Oh hi!" I say. I introduce him to my cousin, and then... Thats it. Im totally lost in his eyes and lips and... Oh he felt so good to be around. We sit down and start talking and thats it. It was over and he had me the minute he got there.
Still we only sat there, having a deep conversation about the things we had in common and things that I was even surprised about.
"Yeah, its true," he told me, "I noticed you the first time I seen you, right after we moved here. But I didnt want to say anything because you were already with someone."
What?! And guess who it was? Wonderbread! Ugh. Stupid boys.
So for a while it was all cool. He came to say hi and ended up having this intimate conversation with me. We established that he really liked me and I really liked him. And that whenever we see each other again we'll be together. That I was gonna be his girl. We only decided this because the timing wasnt right in my house. What with my dad an all. Like I said Ill explain later. Right now its Richard time.
And Richard time it was. I was his girl. At one point he even scared the crap out of me. Really cheezy movie stuff. We talked about it and he got up.
"I dont know Pickles... This is kinda hard. Maybe we should just move on?" I seriously stared at him.
"Yeah.. Alright." I said. "See ya." I was so crushed and my cousin next to me was shocked. He started walking away and after all that he was leaving. My heart was falling into a hole. I dont know it kinda felt like it. Like my chest was caving. Ugh it was terrible... Until he turned around, jogged back and sat back down right next to me, saying "Hey um, I dont know why I said we should move on because I dont want to. I was just being dumb." I was on a flippin rollercoaster. So eventually thats when we established that the next time we see each other would be the time I tell my dad that i really like someone, and that i want him to be with me. and he even said that HE wanted to ask my dad if he could date me. Super sweet. But hey I know boys, and that confused the crap out of me...
You see, im and optimist. I will literally only see the good side. I mean I see the bad and ill put into consideration, but there is always a glimmer of hope. There will be a chance that hes serious about me. That he really would do what he says. That is something im waiting for. I want someone i can rely on and thats all I ask.
Its been a few weeks, but I would wait. Not forever but its a small island, and it cant be too long until i see him again.
One day well see each other again.
(Doesnt it feel like after that post something predictable would happen? That would be just my luck...)
"Oh shes in a car!' you may think. Yes. Im in a car. My dads truck to be specific. Like yesterday, Im with a parent who can watch me so I dont do anything stupid and reckless... Because I am. And they know it.
So anyway, where was I with the story about, uh, Richard? Oh yeah.
After talking to him that day i was so girly about the whole thing. Giggly and butterflyee, if that was ever a word. I really just wanted to see him and talk to him again. Actually the first time i was kinda bugged about his manini stache. It needed to be shaved, but I didnt care too much. I only cared that he SPOKE to me. On his own, thank god.
So later that day when i was looking for my sister so we could go home, I passed him while I was trying to reach her on her cell. I was really nervous so I stupidly just walked past him without even looking at him. That was the last time I saw him for the remainder of the year, even though people kept telling me that they seen him around campus a few times. I guess for rehearsal of graduation or something.
So after that I missed him, even though we only had one conversation. Ever. Its kinda pathetic if you think about it. I finally meet the guy and im... In 'like' with him. Eventually I try to move on with life. Maybe I would see him later in the future, I thought to myself. Not too bad. Maybe he'll still be interested. PFFT I doubt it.
Surprisingly, the girls who bugged me about him, KEPT bugging me. Saying that he still really wants to cruise. What did he actually have a real crush on me or something? I just figured he thought I was pretty and was interested, like I was. I mean I guess thats how I was until I met him. Was it like that for him too? I was really curious after. But then....
The year ended. With nothing. No boyfriend, and no hope. I was once again on my own wondering when the next guy will come along that will be worthy enough for my father. I still have lots of issues with him about boys, but I really want to share myself with someone. I mean, not like that... But you know? I guess ill never know until i find someone like that, who feels the same way. And when I do, Ill explain that as best I can.
So the summer dragged on. I started to play seasonal softball, and life went on. Then it was, oh i dont remember... the middle of June. And we went to one of my softball friends grad party. Shes super nutts when it comes to softball, but even more when she wrestles. Anyway, at her party, which we got to late, I ran into my bathroom friend. It had already been a few weeks and she STILL talked about Richard. Honestly I was surprised, and on the inside I was cheering. Did he really like me as much as she said he did? I really wanted to know and right then what i did know is that i would have to ask him myself. I know you must think that i must have had some sort of plan. And believe me i thought about it, but thats not the kind of person I am now. Im someone who is recovering from situations like that, and am hoping for something more real, rather than texting and hiding from parents etc. So I just had to wait. When the time was ready I would make my move. Im a strong woman and I dont have to wait for anyone, and I can make my own decisions. Even if theyre not the best, Ill take responsibility for dumb decisions.
I was stuck. I was happy, but sad, you know what I mean? I was happy to hear what she had to say to me about him... But what do I do with it? Im pretty caged, and I dont even have friends i go hang out with. I never had an oppurtunity to do something like go out and cruise. When your so sheltered you dont really have the room to make friends that would stick with you. You see other people with their BFFFFFFs and their friendships that would probably last a lifetime, but its hard for me. Luckily, during that time, my cousin came down to visit from a different island.
My dad told me we could go to the beach. I was stoked! Just going to the beach with my cousin for a few hours had me ecstatic. I hadnt been to the beach for months and months, and I missed it so bad. The salty spray and the smell of sunscreen. Finally we were on the beach with our towels in hand, and toes in the sand. I love the beach.
Were laying on the sand and get this....
"Hey" I hear that low voice, and my stomach turns.
I peak out from under my arm, and standing a few feet from my head, Richard is smiling at me. HOLY CRAP is my first thought. After all that stress he gave me, my one wish is answered, like fricken movie or something. I turn over on my stomach and get up quickly. What do I do? I give him a traditional hawaiian hi and kiss his cheek.
"Oh hi!" I say. I introduce him to my cousin, and then... Thats it. Im totally lost in his eyes and lips and... Oh he felt so good to be around. We sit down and start talking and thats it. It was over and he had me the minute he got there.
Still we only sat there, having a deep conversation about the things we had in common and things that I was even surprised about.
"Yeah, its true," he told me, "I noticed you the first time I seen you, right after we moved here. But I didnt want to say anything because you were already with someone."
What?! And guess who it was? Wonderbread! Ugh. Stupid boys.
So for a while it was all cool. He came to say hi and ended up having this intimate conversation with me. We established that he really liked me and I really liked him. And that whenever we see each other again we'll be together. That I was gonna be his girl. We only decided this because the timing wasnt right in my house. What with my dad an all. Like I said Ill explain later. Right now its Richard time.
And Richard time it was. I was his girl. At one point he even scared the crap out of me. Really cheezy movie stuff. We talked about it and he got up.
"I dont know Pickles... This is kinda hard. Maybe we should just move on?" I seriously stared at him.
"Yeah.. Alright." I said. "See ya." I was so crushed and my cousin next to me was shocked. He started walking away and after all that he was leaving. My heart was falling into a hole. I dont know it kinda felt like it. Like my chest was caving. Ugh it was terrible... Until he turned around, jogged back and sat back down right next to me, saying "Hey um, I dont know why I said we should move on because I dont want to. I was just being dumb." I was on a flippin rollercoaster. So eventually thats when we established that the next time we see each other would be the time I tell my dad that i really like someone, and that i want him to be with me. and he even said that HE wanted to ask my dad if he could date me. Super sweet. But hey I know boys, and that confused the crap out of me...
You see, im and optimist. I will literally only see the good side. I mean I see the bad and ill put into consideration, but there is always a glimmer of hope. There will be a chance that hes serious about me. That he really would do what he says. That is something im waiting for. I want someone i can rely on and thats all I ask.
Its been a few weeks, but I would wait. Not forever but its a small island, and it cant be too long until i see him again.
One day well see each other again.
(Doesnt it feel like after that post something predictable would happen? That would be just my luck...)
7.7.10
Pelvic Pain
The title. Its not what you think. To start off, I'll explain to you as best I can where I sit now, and what my position is in life. So simple, hopefully, I wont have to jump on a train when everyones on a boat... I hope you got that because if not, I have already failed and this is only my fourth sentance.
Hi. My name is to be anonymous for the remainder of this blog. But you can just call me Pickles. Well you dont have to call me anything. Im just an autographer of my life, that you can read but youre not required to know my name. Unless it irritates you. So you can just imagine my name being pickles. Even though its nowhere close. Oh god im a terrible writer.
Im just doing this to pass time while I wait for the world to spin a full rotation, and also because im still a full-time student and I do have homework to work on. And being a full time student means im still learning, so dont kill me about grammar or spelling. I am a regular procrastinator like other students, but im a writer, unlike some. If you dont think i should be a writer judging from my first few paragraphs, then fine. Im sorry. Like I said, im doing this to pass time.
Currently im sitting in an air-conditioned office my mom works at, watching people walk back and forth. Earlier I was doing what they now have to do. Paperwork, organization, and stapleing. Lots and lots of stapleing. Part time volunteer. My back is to a corner so no one sees that im not actually doing homework, and even though this is so, i have also already failed at that. One of the ladies who works here walked up to me and peeked at my screen, looked at me and smiled, just as I was looking at some youtube videos of my school, and people I know. She then asked me to look some mountain clips for her.
What the fuck lady? Excuse my language but that is very rude. Especially when im trying not look suspicious and sneaky.
Anyway. Ive been here for almost nine hours already. I took a break two hours ago to do my so called "homework". So far the most exciting part of my time here is after lunch when the bosses son gets here, and we have those close encounters in the laundry room. He is the most attractive asian boy I have ever seen, and im not even attracted to asian boys! He has a firm jaw and chin, and his hair is jet black, and I guess because he just cut it, it spikes up now. I like his one earing (or two im not sure) and his stripped polo shirts. He looks damn smooth. He is-- Oh damn, hot guy just walked in! Nice baby face local boy! He ties with the bosses son, lets just call him Mike.
Anyway, everytime Mike walks by hes looking at me. Maybe its just cuz he can sense me looking at him but hey who wouldnt? Plus hes not even the guy that I like. The guy i been crazy about for a while is a big hawaiian. His eyes are amazing, nice big lips and I dont even think i would be self conscience sitting on his lap! All my ex boyfriends were skinny little things... And im not a skinny-mini either. Im not fat or anything, but im big boned. Athletes body. Kinda chubby by the waist but im definitly not fat...
Maybe I should describe myself a little more so you better understand my blog huh? Alright. Well im going to be a Senior in highschool, grad year 2011. Im half tongan, quarter hawaiian, filipino. 5'4" I think, and I play softball. I live on the island of Oahu, and I love it here. My family is loving, big time. Sometimes a little suffocating, but its all good intentions. I love em anyway, no matter what. Sometimes i dont listen and im a bit stubborn. I really think ive got a hold of things but somethings always gotta prove me wrong. I make mistakes like everyone else. And sometimes I do things I thing is right, even when its wrong. For example, this blog. Probably not the best thing to do, writing about my life, and putting it up for the world to see. This kind of stuff is VERY kapu when it comes to my family. That just means frowned upon, banned, taboo, etc. But this is my arguement. NO ONE KNOWS WHO I AM. Im being very careful not to give up personal details. I have a personal email just for this blog, and dont use it for anything else. Shouldnt I be allowed to express myself? Theres no way to do it anyway else, and plus, im a tech girl.
Blah Blah Blah
So yeah. Thats me. Im lazy, my favorite color is purple, im crazy for a boy who, lets just say his name is Richard, is just as cute as I am. Im hoping I get to see him in the near future, so i can have an excuse to bring him up to my dad. We have a story behind out very new relationship, that may or may not exist and here it is...
Richard moved here early in my Junior year. The previous summer I had become infatuated with a boy that didnt even like me. Or, I wasnt his first choice. Something like that.
Going on, during the time that he and his brother started attending our school i was with... said white boy we will just call Wonder Bread. Just cos i dont like him. I kept hearing stuff about Richards brother. How hot he was, and how girls were going crazy aobut his eyes and body an stuff. I HAD to see who it was. So i did. His brother, uh... Jeremy! Jeremy was as cute as they said. But I was with Wonder Bread so i didnt care.
Then towards the end of the school year, maybe a month or two left of school, I was already over with Wonder Bread because he had finally accepted his first choice for who she was. I really dont want to go over the issue with him, so well cover him later.
Anyway, I ran into a friend I always see in the same bathroom at least twice a day. She started going off about Richard, and yeah i had noticed him by then but he wasnt anything special. He just looked like a big cruiser. And he was. But i didnt know why she was talking to me about him. Finally she told me that he liked me and had a crush on me for a while. I didnt understand because, well, he never showed any signs at all that he liked me. Usually this is how it started though.
The guy has a friend talk to the chick, and then they start making eye contact, they get eachothers number and they start texting! But hello, i had no phone. So obviously two modern teenagers couldnt get together... WRONG
I told my friend that if hes interested he needs to talk to me. I cant go after him cuz that would just show my dad im weak if Richard and I ever started anything together. I hope you get the relationship between my dad from that. Hes a typical overprotective father. Ill probably cover him later with Wonderbread and stuff like that...
MOVING ON. So days pass and i get.... Nothing.
Pretty soon my younger sisters friend who was "involved" with him at one point starts talking to me too. Putting in a good word for him, I tell her the same thing. That he needs to man up and come talk to me. This was getting very old very fast. As the year draws to a close, and the girls keep pushing him on me, he keeps quiet. Not once looking at me, and not once showing any signs of interest. Soon i was getting pretty sad that the years almost over especially since hes a senior. I wouldnt ever see him again on a regular basis. But then...
It just HAD to be the last day for seniors. I took my usual route during seventh period, right past his art class. I went EVERY time seventh period, because thats how i get to the bathroom, and it gave me a chance to see his face, especially cause he faced me on the table closest to the door. I know, its kinda stalkery, but i got interested after a while. Anyway. I made sure my hair was fixxed and stuff in the bathroom... Then as i was just about to walk down the stairwell, i hear a low
"hey"
from behind me.
After that i was done. hooked. falling.
Oh not down the stairs, but you know what i mean. I turned around and i seriously couldnt stop smiling. i looked like an idiot... but he was pretty sweet...
"So uh, did Dustin give you my number?" he said.
"Oh yeah, he did"
"Ah that fricka, i never told him to do that, he just kinda told me he did"
I seriously could not be offended by that at all at that point.
"So what you doin afta sku?"
I could NOT hang out with him.
"oh sorry... im busy."
"Nah its all good."
then i told him i had to leave and he told me wed cruz sometime. when i walked back to class, I had THE stupidest smile on my face that would not go away...
Ahh alright. Im interupted only because i might not have a chance to finish... so ill just leave it as...
TBC
Hi. My name is to be anonymous for the remainder of this blog. But you can just call me Pickles. Well you dont have to call me anything. Im just an autographer of my life, that you can read but youre not required to know my name. Unless it irritates you. So you can just imagine my name being pickles. Even though its nowhere close. Oh god im a terrible writer.
Im just doing this to pass time while I wait for the world to spin a full rotation, and also because im still a full-time student and I do have homework to work on. And being a full time student means im still learning, so dont kill me about grammar or spelling. I am a regular procrastinator like other students, but im a writer, unlike some. If you dont think i should be a writer judging from my first few paragraphs, then fine. Im sorry. Like I said, im doing this to pass time.
Currently im sitting in an air-conditioned office my mom works at, watching people walk back and forth. Earlier I was doing what they now have to do. Paperwork, organization, and stapleing. Lots and lots of stapleing. Part time volunteer. My back is to a corner so no one sees that im not actually doing homework, and even though this is so, i have also already failed at that. One of the ladies who works here walked up to me and peeked at my screen, looked at me and smiled, just as I was looking at some youtube videos of my school, and people I know. She then asked me to look some mountain clips for her.
What the fuck lady? Excuse my language but that is very rude. Especially when im trying not look suspicious and sneaky.
Anyway. Ive been here for almost nine hours already. I took a break two hours ago to do my so called "homework". So far the most exciting part of my time here is after lunch when the bosses son gets here, and we have those close encounters in the laundry room. He is the most attractive asian boy I have ever seen, and im not even attracted to asian boys! He has a firm jaw and chin, and his hair is jet black, and I guess because he just cut it, it spikes up now. I like his one earing (or two im not sure) and his stripped polo shirts. He looks damn smooth. He is-- Oh damn, hot guy just walked in! Nice baby face local boy! He ties with the bosses son, lets just call him Mike.
Anyway, everytime Mike walks by hes looking at me. Maybe its just cuz he can sense me looking at him but hey who wouldnt? Plus hes not even the guy that I like. The guy i been crazy about for a while is a big hawaiian. His eyes are amazing, nice big lips and I dont even think i would be self conscience sitting on his lap! All my ex boyfriends were skinny little things... And im not a skinny-mini either. Im not fat or anything, but im big boned. Athletes body. Kinda chubby by the waist but im definitly not fat...
Maybe I should describe myself a little more so you better understand my blog huh? Alright. Well im going to be a Senior in highschool, grad year 2011. Im half tongan, quarter hawaiian, filipino. 5'4" I think, and I play softball. I live on the island of Oahu, and I love it here. My family is loving, big time. Sometimes a little suffocating, but its all good intentions. I love em anyway, no matter what. Sometimes i dont listen and im a bit stubborn. I really think ive got a hold of things but somethings always gotta prove me wrong. I make mistakes like everyone else. And sometimes I do things I thing is right, even when its wrong. For example, this blog. Probably not the best thing to do, writing about my life, and putting it up for the world to see. This kind of stuff is VERY kapu when it comes to my family. That just means frowned upon, banned, taboo, etc. But this is my arguement. NO ONE KNOWS WHO I AM. Im being very careful not to give up personal details. I have a personal email just for this blog, and dont use it for anything else. Shouldnt I be allowed to express myself? Theres no way to do it anyway else, and plus, im a tech girl.
Blah Blah Blah
So yeah. Thats me. Im lazy, my favorite color is purple, im crazy for a boy who, lets just say his name is Richard, is just as cute as I am. Im hoping I get to see him in the near future, so i can have an excuse to bring him up to my dad. We have a story behind out very new relationship, that may or may not exist and here it is...
Richard moved here early in my Junior year. The previous summer I had become infatuated with a boy that didnt even like me. Or, I wasnt his first choice. Something like that.
Going on, during the time that he and his brother started attending our school i was with... said white boy we will just call Wonder Bread. Just cos i dont like him. I kept hearing stuff about Richards brother. How hot he was, and how girls were going crazy aobut his eyes and body an stuff. I HAD to see who it was. So i did. His brother, uh... Jeremy! Jeremy was as cute as they said. But I was with Wonder Bread so i didnt care.
Then towards the end of the school year, maybe a month or two left of school, I was already over with Wonder Bread because he had finally accepted his first choice for who she was. I really dont want to go over the issue with him, so well cover him later.
Anyway, I ran into a friend I always see in the same bathroom at least twice a day. She started going off about Richard, and yeah i had noticed him by then but he wasnt anything special. He just looked like a big cruiser. And he was. But i didnt know why she was talking to me about him. Finally she told me that he liked me and had a crush on me for a while. I didnt understand because, well, he never showed any signs at all that he liked me. Usually this is how it started though.
The guy has a friend talk to the chick, and then they start making eye contact, they get eachothers number and they start texting! But hello, i had no phone. So obviously two modern teenagers couldnt get together... WRONG
I told my friend that if hes interested he needs to talk to me. I cant go after him cuz that would just show my dad im weak if Richard and I ever started anything together. I hope you get the relationship between my dad from that. Hes a typical overprotective father. Ill probably cover him later with Wonderbread and stuff like that...
MOVING ON. So days pass and i get.... Nothing.
Pretty soon my younger sisters friend who was "involved" with him at one point starts talking to me too. Putting in a good word for him, I tell her the same thing. That he needs to man up and come talk to me. This was getting very old very fast. As the year draws to a close, and the girls keep pushing him on me, he keeps quiet. Not once looking at me, and not once showing any signs of interest. Soon i was getting pretty sad that the years almost over especially since hes a senior. I wouldnt ever see him again on a regular basis. But then...
It just HAD to be the last day for seniors. I took my usual route during seventh period, right past his art class. I went EVERY time seventh period, because thats how i get to the bathroom, and it gave me a chance to see his face, especially cause he faced me on the table closest to the door. I know, its kinda stalkery, but i got interested after a while. Anyway. I made sure my hair was fixxed and stuff in the bathroom... Then as i was just about to walk down the stairwell, i hear a low
"hey"
from behind me.
After that i was done. hooked. falling.
Oh not down the stairs, but you know what i mean. I turned around and i seriously couldnt stop smiling. i looked like an idiot... but he was pretty sweet...
"So uh, did Dustin give you my number?" he said.
"Oh yeah, he did"
"Ah that fricka, i never told him to do that, he just kinda told me he did"
I seriously could not be offended by that at all at that point.
"So what you doin afta sku?"
I could NOT hang out with him.
"oh sorry... im busy."
"Nah its all good."
then i told him i had to leave and he told me wed cruz sometime. when i walked back to class, I had THE stupidest smile on my face that would not go away...
Ahh alright. Im interupted only because i might not have a chance to finish... so ill just leave it as...
TBC
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