My heart got twisted today.
I did have a thing goin on with someone after Wonderbread, but before Richard. Im actually gonna use this guys name though. Kealoha. And hes pretty much the most recent heartbreak I have. Let me paint you a picture.
"Hey, gimmie your number..." he says as he pulls out his phone.
Kealoha has a paddlers body. Tall, slender, broad shoulders, and an amazing smile. Being out in the sun made him darker than I was, but I liked how his skin looked like chocolate.
"...Let me put it in your phone," I say. I have NO intention of putting my number in it. Instead, as he waits, I call my own phone so I have his number, then delete it from his dialed list.
"Here you go," I smile at him. He winks, and starts walking back to his paddling crew. I laugh as I jump into my own car, and drive away.
A few days later, back at practice, he confronts me again and says he doesnt have it. I tell him I know, and go to my own practice. I turn halfway to my canoe, and tell him I'll call him later. Soon enough thats what I do. From then we start talking for the rest of the season.... It was pretty amazing, him and me. We hit it off from the beginning; our chemistry was amazing. One day at practice, my dad was yelling at me over the phone because we were late to practice, and I hadnt called him like I was suppose to. I started to cry, and Kealoha saw me. My crew had already left, and we had to wave them down later, but for now I had to wait til I didnt look like I was crying. Kealoha was there to comfort me... He told me to calm down, and it wasnt the end of the world. I had this pathetic look on my face, I guess, because he kept telling me to smile. We went inside the halau so I could wipe my face up, and when I turned around he was right there in front of my face. He stood there looking at me, at my eyes, at my lips, at everything. Thats where we had our first kiss. He smelled so good...
Later on before states, we had sex. It wasnt the ideal place, or the time. It was just quick, dirty, sex. I should have been ashamed, but I wasnt. Not when his friends started shouting from outside. Not when the hobo was mocking us and laughing. Not even when we passed his whole crew, guys and girls, who knew what we were up to because of his friends. I guess I was dumb and blind. But thats how much I wanted it. Thats how much I wanted him.
Soon I started to sneak out to see him when he got a truck. Green, with a black hood. It was late at night, and he would drop me off before my parents woke up. We would do it by the beach, in the rain, in the back, and I would be all cool with it. It was messed up and I realize it now but... I have to admit, while Im being honest, it was good. Maybe even great.
But not worth it when my parents found out. After that I didnt want to see him anymore because I was so ashamed. I liked him so much, but I couldnt face him about what had happened. My dad got a video of me from the last night Kealoha and I were together. I had no idea where it came from, but it got to him...
Then Kealoha showed up to my school, after me not contacting him for weeks. He just pulled up next to me as I was walking down the road running through our school. I knew it was his truck when he past me because I could smell him. He started to reverse, and my stomach twisted into knots...
Im sorry.
"Get in." He said, looking at me smiling.
"I cant." I cant look at him in the eye. I look all around him. I look all around me. If anyone was watching this. It was unbelieveable.
"I need to talk to you." I say.
"Sure lets go talk somewhere," he says, "Just get in the truck."
No. I cant do this with him. I walk up to his window, putting my hands on the door.
"I need to be somewhere," I say... "I know I already told you that my parents know, but I didnt tell you why..."
"So? Howd they find out?" he asks.
"A video. Someone saw us, filmed... and sent it to my dad."
Then it hit me. He didnt say nothing. Just, "wow." And then nothing. He stared past his wheel, and didnt look at me.
It was him. He did it. I mean it couldnt have been him, but he had help.
What the fuck?!
"I dont know who did it..." I say, becoming enraged, "But only you and I knew that we were there. And it damn sure wasnt me."
He looks at me, "You think I did it?"
I stare back, "I dont know anything... Im just telling you what I do know."
He looks away and doesnt say anything. Its breaking my heart.
Please. Please, fight for what you want me to believe. If you didnt do it then tell me. If you didnt do it, argue your point, and try to make me believe!
But he didnt. He sat there.
"Dont... come back here again. I dont want to see you ever. I cant, and I wont. Please just go. I-... need to be somewhere..."
He looks back at me, like hes waiting for something else.
I dont want to say goodbye. What I want to do is kiss him... His face is so close....
Instead, I step away from his truck, and look down the road.
I want him to leave.... And so he goes. He starts slowly, still looking at me. When he puts his eyes on the road, he leaves just like I wanted him to, and drives as fast as he can... My stomach starts to turn, and my nose is burning. My eyes are fogging up, and as I continue walking down the road, watching his truck disappear, I can feel the tears running down my face, turning cold as the wind hits me. It felt like my chest caved in, and my heart stopped beating. I was cold, and I was hurt.
SO NOW...
Today me and my dad went to Lanikai beach, where Kealoha would take me to have sex, and as I jump out to sit in the back with him and his coworker, I see a familiar face. Of course its him. I didnt know it at first, it just looked like him from far away. But he was with a girl. Tossing around with her in the water. Hugging her, kissing her. Just playing around. But thats all it took. It brought me back to... Us. Him and me. Then I saw it. His truck was parked right in front of ours. I couldnt believe how blind I was. Who could miss it?
After watching them I wondered.... Do they have sex in that truck too? Does she know hes had another girl in that truck? Did he see me? Did he tell her about me? What did he say?
I was sick. After that, I just... Kealoha has been stuck in my head since... I really liked him. But now hes gone. With someone else. I cant blame him. I hate him for what hes done to me, but its not like i KNOW that he did it. But I dont know if he did it, and thats the point. He very well could have.
My heart still aches. But ill get over it. I found Richard, although that doesnt mean hes going to wait for me. Im independent and waiting. Someday, someone will find me. Someone will want me for more than just sex, and treat me the way I had only dreamed of.
Goodbye Jacob Kealoha Theone.
