First of all, one day a bunch of months ago, I was looking for money in the couches out side in our garage that my dad got from one of his jobs. I REALLY needed some cash. Instead I found this dirty old envolope, pretty thick, dating 1981! When I opened it there were six pages of stationary. The kind of paper you find on the night stand next to you in one of those hotels in Vegas. Except it wasnt from Vegas! The Grand Hyatt, New York was printed at the top, and each page was filled with words, front and back. I couldnt resist reading it, so when I did I swear I think I was about to cry. I told my dad about it and he got mad because youre not suppose to read other peoples mail. I guess hes right.... But I couldnt resist posting it because its SO amazing. So if you think reading other peoples mail is wrong dont read. But I must tell you, its a heartwrencher. I love it.
Dear Jaylene,It's 5:00 in the morning and I just got back from the Hospital. I'm wide awake; I haven't been able to sleep all night. So going to the hospital wasn't so bad- in fact, I was able to keep my mind off what I was dwelling on all night. I called you at work yesterday and I;m sure you must have gotten the message. I'm not so dumb as to not figure out why you didn't return my call. I called in the evening but you weren't home. Then while I was lying in bed I had the crazy urge to call you at 1:30 but you still weren't home. I know you were probably staying at Darren's.
Someone once told me that when a woman stops calling, that there is no bond anymore. Maybe its true. Maybe in your head everything has been reconciled. Maybe your in love with Darren. Maybe you've lost all your feelings towards me and about what we had.
But life is full of maybes. There are many things in life that have to be accepted. Those things have a certain air about them- the air of finality. Maybe in your mind that air about finality about our relationship. But after seeing you on Wednesday night I couldn't help feeling that there was still something just beneath the surface. Some thing that wanted to come out but couldn't at the time.
The thing that's great about letters is that you have all the time in the world to think about what you're going to say and you don't have to be afraid to say it.
When I saw you a week ago and then walked you home, I could tell that you were very angry at me. Angry for what I had done while we were together as much as for bringing out feelings that you were trying to forget about. When I dropped you off I wanted desperately to talk to you about everything, but I realized that it was not the right time- I respected your right to finish your work without having to dwell on our problems. But you said to me that once Wednesday called around that we could sit and talk and we made plans for you to come in to have some dental work done. I don't need to have the reasons spelled out for you not calling before that or even not wanting to come in. You see, I brought the onlay to you because I was excited by the way it turned out. I wanted to give it to you over dinner but the situation was too tense. I felt then that I had to do one other thing. As much as I didn't want to, I felt that if I gave you the onlay, that you would not feel it necessary to have to come to see me to have it put in- that this was a perfect excuse for you to say goodbye and just have everything done elsewhere. And I guess that's really what I expected to hear from you when I called on Wednesday at 5:00, when we started the conversation you sounded like you didn't want to come in. I can only guess as to why you suddenly changed your mind and came in immediately.
Maybe its that I have always been the eternal optimist- or maybe I'm just being a little naive. I felt that even after what we had been through, that you were still glad to see me. And I was damn glad to see you. From the moment I saw you, all I wanted to do was to touch you. But I was scared that if I was a little too forward that you night say that you didn't want me to and then our time together would be tense and angry. In fact, its the first time in a couple of months that we have been able to go out together without having any deep, dark secrets to hide. Its all in the open. We both know about each others situation and that it would be easy to say let it be. The letter I wrote you hurt you; I know that. But it was not written to hurt you, but rather as a catharsis for me in my feelings towards you. I felt that if I was ever going to be honest about my feelings towards you, that I had to be completely honest. Saying those things probably hurt me as much as they did you- and that I had to accept the consequences.
And if anything about what I said is true, then the end of my letter was especially true. These last couple of months were a luxury I never had before. To be able to think about life and love without any excuses to fall back on. Or work to get in the way. And the more I thought, the more the cards came up the same way. There's no other way to say it than I'm in love with you. And not the kind of love that you feel when your losing someone, or the love you feel when you jealous about someone else in the picture. But a love for a woman for the person that she is, and what she has been to me.
I'm sure in your head you're saying well what about ME? What did I get in return for the love I gave to you?
I wish I could have gave you more at the time. But you know the reasons why I couldn't.
If there is one thing that we could both agree on, its that we were basically happy in our relationship. The point here is that we could have been even happier. If I hurt you, I hope its not for what I did, but for what I didnt do or give you.
If you love Darren, its because he is giving you what I didnt, and thats attention to your needs. But I dont think that he can be the kind of friend that we were to each other, or even are to each other now. Even after breaking up on graduation day we did not leave angry. On the contrary, we both left sad. Sad that we were both losing something that was really good in our lives. So you tried to find that goodness in someone elses heart. And you may be finding it. But all new relationships start out that way, then the real people come out, then it has to stand the test of time. We did and if we were disappointed, its not because of what we did but what we didnt do.
Baby, I have to get to the point, Darren may be giving you something I didnt give you. But there is nothing that he can give you that I cant. And there is something more important. And that is that we are still friends after what we have done. Without that friendship, there can be no other lasting ties. A funny thought just crossed my mind. When I saw you in the city on our way to your place, you alluded to the letter I wrote to you. You asked me if I had fixed my bike. I said yes and then you asked me if I had fixed both of them. I said yes again and thought it funny that you should ask. But maybe you were really asking me whether I thought of you when I was riding. It occured to me that I had fixed it in the hope that you would go riding with me again.
I do. There are many things I would like to do with you again. And then some things that perhaps we havent done. I dont want you to think that I wout expect the same kind of relationship we had before, or to act in the way we have. If I said to you before that I didnt see any future in our relationship its because of the way I led myself. I couldnt imagine that kind of rez..?... towards anyone. But there comes a time in life that you have to test the waters.
Let the happiness that we have known be the foundation for where we go from here. If we date other people, lets be fine and honest to discuss it.
If we see each other, let it be because we feel that its right and that its good for both of us, with each other respecting the others needs and aspirations. In that way, if anything was meant to be, it will come of this kind of relationship. There is no holding back anymore.
Well, I could probably write a few more pages, but it wouldnt say anything more clearly than I had already said it. Its 7:00 now and Ive watched the sun come up. Ive done that only a few times in my life. I have to be at the hospital early this morning so i have to get ready.
If I leave you with a thought it is this:
There is a song that is playing over and over in my mind. To paraphrase it-
Weve come to our fork in the road, and now its time to go.
But maybe a spark still remains, and sparks turn into flames.
I dont ever want to see [you frown].
See ya-
Love,
Greg
Okay so that was It! Now lemme tell you some stuff. The lady that Greg is writing to is the one who gave my dad the couch. You will never guess who her husband is now. Darren! It really tears me apart knowing that, because I feel sorry for Greg. But I guess she made her decision. It really makes me wonder what happened. I guess I'll never know....
Yes names have been changed, and yeah that random word that was never finished... I couldnt read it. Sorry.
